Beautifully Chaotic

Lets start this off by just telling you all my life is a rollercoaster ride.

Yesterday i went to court and was told my stuff wasnt even in the system. They told me that they would mail me the correct court date soon. Thats the government for you though. So after running eight blocks and worrying my ass off about the fines and the jail time i might have.. I got nothing.

Things have been ok between me and darin but, I know he's still talking to his ex. That kills me just thinking about it.. I dont know why he does it.. I mean she is not pretty and she is really fat and she does drugs and lets everyone fuck her.. I just dont understand. Maybe we arent in love. Maybe we just wanna pretend we are. i dont know.

So i left my phone at home today when i went to work and Darin wrecked his car. He couldnt get a hold of me and said when he called my job my boss hung up on him. which really pisses me off and they are going to hear about it..

My work is awful. I was in the kitchen today and all of the turkey i threw out because it had like diseases on it. it was all brown and red and looked like it had worms in it. Thats just plain disgusting. I think im going to be a veggitarian seriously.

So i have a long week ahead of me.. seriously.. i just need a hug!

and i just found out that.. Darin doesnt wanna do this anymore.. soo im probibly going home.. sounds better than anything right now.. God i need a drink!!!!

Its amazing to me how you can spend 8 months of your life with someone and still the biggest details of their life u have no idea about. He sleeps beside me everynight, when he wakes up in the morning i have his clothes laying out for him i wake him up my kissing his back and whispering i love you. He goes to work talks to me all day comes home to me everynight and we start over again. Somehow, somewhere along the line he's missed the big picture.

This is the person that i say i love you to non-stop and he says it back. This is the guy that brought me home a single longstemmed red rose today. This is the man i cooked dinner for that ignored me and texted on his phone the intire night. This is the man who says even tho im not getting any attention we are spending time together. the one that said "its not like im out on the town away from you im sitting right beside you."

If he knew me then he would know, Im not with him because he buys me things. Im not with him because i want him to do everything in this world for me...

If he knew me, he would know its not the sex that gets me off. Its the kissing the looking deep in my eyes and telling me he loves me, the passion. The hunger and the want. Its not the hey baby go get a dvd out of the closet. I want someone thats going to lay it all out on the line, someone who is going to strip me of everything and give me everything at the same time. To be honest i feel like... I feel like a toy. Like the blow up betty doll in the closet that is brought out when he wants to fuck but has nothing else.

Maybe if he had been with me a year or two ago i would have been the slut that wanted just sex and money. But im not. All i am now is a girl who wants someone to hold me and love me and be there for me.. Not just be in the room.

I just had to let this out yanno. I know its personal but its hard to talk to anyone up here.. i feel like such a loner.

=[


"i dont want to be your pornstar, i want to be the love of your life!" -amanda coryell

p.s. I guess somewhere along the lines when he was busy cheating on me.. he missed this BIG part of our relationship.

In my opinion i think the law is over rated! Seriously, I have court tommorow morning for sitting in a car. We went to the dog track one night and Darin got a call from David (friend from work) to stop by up the street and show him the new rims he had in the back of his car. There was a big racing scene and alot of people were there atleast 30 different cars on Derby Pkwy and we were there for literally 5 minutes. I stayed in the car cause it was cold outside to me. The police show up and say over the intercom "scatter my cock roaches" no one was racing but everyone left. We were one of the last cars to leave because we werent peeling out and ditching and we get pulled over, Arrested and given bond appearances. Unlawful assembly was what we were charged with. A party of three or more in a public place promoting an unlawful event. what kinda crap is that. We were at walmart last night and watched a cop for no reason run a stop sign. Darin started beeping his horn. It was funny. So im getting ready to go before a judge tommorow. Im in trouble for the first time in my life and im scared to death.



we went to the dog track saturday night with David Brent and nick. It was fun saw this person there .....
Can anybody guess who this is.. Hint hint he is famous, he is the lead singer of a very popular band.

Give me your input.



I am about to get ready for darin to get home from work so i can cook him some lasagna. finally use that dining room table we have.


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Jam Your awesome!